Finding a new beginning

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This past week has been spent trying to digest all the information we have received in regard to our Vietnam adoption. Our agency has officially announced they will not be releasing any new referrals until an agreement is reached, that only major special needs cases will continue to be processed, but they are not even sure how many or when these will continue. They are hopeful that an agreement will eventually be reached, but there is no way possible to predict when. Our agency has not been able to obtain their Hague accreditation, and if that approval is not reached before the Vietnam program starts up again, they will not be able to complete our adoption and we would be transferred to another agency. So, with SO MANY uncertainties, Dwayne and I are focusing on some new options. We might possibly leave our paperwork active while pursuing another adoption as we will not be given any refund for pulling out anyway. I have very strong feelings on that subject, but in a nutshell, if we are having to look at another option, and the options that CHI has open for us to transfer to- Russia and Ethiopia- are not where God is calling us, then I think it really stinks that we have lost ALL the money that we have faithfully put forward. If we were chosing to close our adoption for personal reasons, I would understand forfeiting all the monies we have put in with them. But we are having to seek an alternative and we have lost nearly 8000.00 to this program. If we were younger and had the time to wait endlessly, then it would not be so bad. But we are 40 and 45 and even the prospect of waiting another two years is hard to swallow. But emotionally my heart has got to find a solution, an end to the heartache and a beginning of happiness. We are not going to make a final decision on what to do until after the Sept. deadline, as there has been NO official announcement from VIETNAM yet and there could be a small chance that dossiers would get grandfathered in, but it is not likely. The US also decided that an official referral means recieving a letter from the DIA office in Vietnam and this is usually what happens toward the end of the adoption process right before you are allowed to file the form to classify a specific orphan as your relative. That means our agency would have to file our papers with the child's papers and not give us the referral until that time and if we refused it, the child would have to wait another 3-5 months while another family's papers were filed and then they accepted him or her. It is all really crazy.

I know that the burning question on everyone's mind is what are our options? Well, I believe in my heart God has NOT destined us to be without a child. We are looking into Taiwan, Nepal, and domestic. I am really not sure where God is leading us. We have been seeking His face this week and He has been gracious to grant me peace with this transition. I have been grieving the child I have dreamed about from Vietnam. Although, through my tears, I have thanked Him for all the wonderful families He has blessed me with on this journey. For that, I have no regrets. I would love to call all of you by name, but I am afraid I would leave someone out and you know who you are. I know that alot of us are in the same position, trying to figure out what to do. My prayer is that all of you listen to your heart and do what is best for you. I don't feel like we are ending our relationships simply because we are going in different directions. I know I will need ALL of you for encouragement in whatever path God leads us. However, I am thinking about moving to a password protected blog in the near future as our new journey I may want to be more private about. There are still some very dear families that are waiting on travel approvals and i-600's that have children waiting for them in Vietnam. I am praying every day that this horrible wait will finally come to an end for you. To those of you near the very top of your waiting lists for referrals I pray that you will find the child you are waiting for and everything will go according to plan through the transisiton in this program.

It is so hard to understand why God leads us the way He does. We have been on this journey for 721 days and we are now have to go another direction. It is only up to us to not rely on our understanding of this situation, but to simply trust God with our whole hearts that He has a plan for us. Our children may be in the most unlikely of places, one that we have never given a single thought to. He has been making us strong for journey still yet ahead and He promises to never leave us. Where are we headed? I don't really know. Is Kaylee waiting for me? YES. I am determined to find her, I have just had to let go and let God take the lead.

Do you think I could stand on the street corner with a sign that says "Will Work for Baby"?
Just a thought.

This weekend will bring bittersweet moments as I am hosting my niece's baby shower at my mom's house. I made an incredibly cute cake and tons of fun stuff. I pray that God will let me enjoy her happiness as mine will surely come. She is like a daughter to me and she deserves her special day. I know in my heart I will silently be wishing upon my own happy day, but I have faith that will soon be.

Where two or more are gathered in My name, says the Lord

My life was touched today by the hand of God. In our church service this morning our pastor asked all the mothers to stand. As I sat and watched all the mothers, my eyes welled with tears. I secretly wished that I had been able to stand up today and remembered this same feeling last year and then knew that last year was going to be my last year awaiting motherhood. Well, while my mind was entertaining my heartaches, the pastor's words caught my attention. He said" There is one lady here today that we know has been waiting to be a momma for a very long time. And she tells me that we are now under a deadline to receive a referral before the program goes into an indefinite wait. Melanie and Dwayne want this child so badly. Melanie, come down front." Oh my goodness, I thought to myself, I don't want to stand in front of all these people and seem like some needy person that only a miracle of God can fix. Why is he doing this to me? I mean, nobody needs to be bothered with our worries. I try to be so humble with these types of things and not bring attention to myself. But God obviously decided it was time to bring some folks together to pray for this baby. So, I proceeded to go down front as asked and then he asked if any ladies would like to come and stand down front with me as he prayed to God for our Kaylee. My heart was overwhelmed as every lady as far as I could tell came down front with me. Oh my goodness, I did not realize how many people loved us. I was surrounded by some of the most Godly women I have ever know. I was honored to have them stand with me. The pastor led the most beautiful simple prayer of hope. In that moment of loving hearts and arms surrounding me, I felt blessed peace. My tears were flowing already from an empty heart on another childless Mother's Day. I suddenly realized that God brought this support system to me on a day that I needed it most. My heart was so touched by the display of love that all these ladies showed me. He prayed for God to show us direction and to provide this child to us before the deadline if it was in His plan to do so. He asked for my heart to have peace and comfort. I left feeling refreshed today.

It really meant alot to me for God to show me that we are not going through this journey together. I have people praying for us that I didn't even know. God is good and my faith was renewed today. I don't know for how long, but sometimes God takes us to such a low place, that the only way up is to look for Him. He showed me hope today. Thank you, God, for refreshing my hope.

Our agency is expecting some referrals soon. I will be so happy for the families that get to realize their hopes and dreams. God, please bless these families. God, please keep Kaylee in you arms until it is time for us to meet her. For it will be that day that I will finally become a mother.

It is not the size of the mountain....

Wow, I am truly amazed at the the love of God poured out on us today from the friends we have made on this journey. Today has probably been the hardest day so far in this journey. It has almost been a given that we had nothing to worry about since we are so close to getting our referral, but God in His loving goodness, has brought me back to reality. There are still alot of things I don't understand in regard to the two governments, but I have resolved today, after two boxes of Kleenex, nose spray, and chocolate (remember that survival kit I encouraged you to make? Today was an opportune time to put it to use!) to put my whole trust in my Savior to lead us to our daughter. My email box has been flooded today with so many encouraging words, most from families waiting for a referral just like us. I guess it just makes it more real when you are actually working under a deadline. I know that God can perform great miracles in four months, after all, it only took Him ONE day to create the sun and the moon, and in ONE day He made all the animals of the earth, and in ONE day He created us.

It is not the size of the mountain, but the strength of the mountain mover that matters. "Behold, I am Lord. Is anything too difficult for me?" Jeremiah 32:27.

God is amazing. All day today I have been looking for answers, for a reason He would have us endure this trial, this uncertainty. Then I came upon a few encouraging words.

It is only though the hard times that we often rediscover that our hearts can only be comforted by the One who invites us to come to Him.~Roy Lessin

God does allow us to edure trials and heartaches so that we will call out to Him for help in our time of desperation. It is when our vision is clouded by our circumstances that God is able to see clearly. When our understanding is shadowed by our questions, He knows perfectly. And when our path is shaded by uncertainty, God leads faithfully. God writes every detail of our lives with love, He has it planned. We have to sit back and let God work His plan. This in itself takes faith and trust. He wants us to call upon His mercies in our time of need. He cries our tears and hears our prayers, but it is in His time only that things will come together. I am reminded of a verse in Psalms that says " When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I" Psalms 61:2 We cannot let the strorms of life overwhelm us, rather we need to be overwhelmed by God's love and mercies. There is hope in prayer, but there is power in the promise of prayer. Sometimes He wants us to get on our knees with our faces to His feet and petition Him for His power and His grace. I believe God is calling us to do this now. There is something so reverent about falling on our knees before the Most High God and asking for His power and glory and grace in something He is clearly in control of. He already knows what is in our hearts, but He wants us to put it to words in His name for what we would have Him to do. I will be on my knees, in Kaylee's room, crying out to My God to provide healing to my aching heart. He rewards those who are faithful. But it is often the faithful who are tested through trials to bring us more strength and more faith. He loves us, He created us, it is His desire to pour out His love on us. His mercies come each and every morning along with the trials and tribulations. He is a just and loving God and I honestly do not think it is His desire for His children to hurt. It is His desire for us to trust Him with our whole being and know that He is God. My heart is at peace now, not to say the peace has come after a day full of tears and questions and doubt, but through the love and encouragement of the people He has placed in my life, I know He is telling us to hold on. I am not giving up on Kaylee. I will not abandon my daughter. I trust God to lead us to her.

"Whatever you are facing, He knows how you feel. When you turn to Him for help, He runs to you to help. Yours is the hand He loves to hold, the same hand that touched the needy on His first journey to Earth will touch your cheeks and shoulder your burden."~Max Lucado

My Father God,

My heart is heavy and yearning for answers only You can give. We do not understand the reason for all the uncertainties surrounding the Vietnam adoptions right now. Help us, Lord, to trust only in You for comfort and guidance. Yours is the hand that created every living thing. Yours is the hand that calmed the raging sea, please, Lord calm our raging hearts. Lord, our prayer is not only for us, but for all the precious children that are waiting and needing families to care for them. These children need families. We are waiting Lord for You to scoop up these children and place them specifically into the hearts of the families predestined to love them and care for them. You are Almighty God, Abba Father, we cry out to You. Please hear our prayers, Lord. We need you to intervene on our behalf. Show us the way, Lord. Your mercies are beautiful, You are beautiful. Even in the valleys, Lord, You are faithful and true. We know Lord that You will carry us through this trial. Help us Lord to keep our focus on You. Your almighty hand is over our hearts. We lay it down at Your feet Lord. Please bring us peace. We love you and thank you for what You are going to do. Amen

A Prayer for Vietnam

Our update from our agency today did bring good news of a 13 month old girl and an 8 year old boy! I am thrilled for the families. Our update also made mention of the continued tension between USCIS and Vietnam. The Vietnam orphanages are reluctant to continue giving referrals to the US because the US is being demanding in it's requirements for orphan placement. This really saddens my heart today because there are so many families wanting children, and so many children needing families. Vietnam prefers working with the countries who are not making so many demands on them. Who can blame them really? I just pray with my whole heart that the US will come to some type of agreement soon so that we all know what we are facing. It is not that the US is not getting any referrals, they are just becoming fewer and farer between. Which in turn, is tremendously increasing our wait time for our referral. I am really setting my heart to not have a referral until sometime this fall and if it occurs sooner than that then it will be by pure grace of God. I am not losing hope, only feeling saddened that the US government officials seem to not have much regard for the waiting families, both that are waiting for travel and referrals. Don't they know how much we want our children? I just don't understand why there has not been some kind of announcement as to what the intentions are from both sides.

I am still holding true to God's promises for me. He does have a plan for me and I know that Kaylee waits for us in Vietnam. She will be the most precious, cherished thing in the whole world to me. She will be the child for whom I have prayed for so long. I know there is a reason that God is chosing to wait longer than we are wishing to wait, and I have to keep my faith strong that we will come full circle in this journey. The ever-constant "Have you heard anything about the baby?" questions are wearing me so thin. I just poise and smile and say that we are still waiting. That we are one of the top 10 families waiting for a referral right now and she will be here before we know it. And then, I come home and break down in tears for her because I don't understand why we are having to wait for so long. I get on my knees and pray to God that He give me a sign that she is coming, I cry to Him and ask Him to forgive me for my failures. I tell Him that I trust Him to bring Kaylee to us. Sometimes the wait is simply hard and I break down in tears and sob for my daughter, and then there are days that I am at perfect peace in this process. That I believe in Him, that He didn't bring us this far to leave us. I know that I can lay this burden at His feet and He will provide. It is just frustating, and human nature allows us to be frustrated even though our faith is rock-solid strong. We were supposed to have our referral by now, if you count the waiting months. When we went on the waiting list, the wait was projected at 15-18 months. We have now been waiting for 20 months, just for our referral, and it has been 25 months since we started the whole process. Oh me, I don't mean to bring anyone down. And I am confident in the future. I simply am just having a down day.

Most Gracious Father in Heaven,
I know that you hear our prayers. Please Lord, reach down and place Your hand on the minds and hearts of the government officials that hold the outcome of this process in their hands. Please help them see that these children need home and these families need resolutions. I know that You already know the outcome, Father, but You call on us to put our faith in You and petition You our prayers so that we can see Your mighty hand at work. Please Lord, soften Vietnam's heart to continue to refer babies to the waiting families here in the United States. So many hearts full of love for these children who we don't even know yet. Your hand, Lord, calms the raging ocean and puts each individual star in the sky. You create these babies, You have already planned their future, You have already hand-picked each baby for each family. Please, Lord, allow these adoptions to continue. Please send our children home. We are petitioning You with our hearts to calm the raging waters and bring us some sunshine soon. Thank you for listening to our prayer. Grant us patience to wait for You to act.
Amen

If God Brings you to it, He will bring you through it

I honestly believe this statement. A lot of us Vietnam families have concerns right now with the upcoming renewal of the agreement between Vietnam and the United States. I have great faith that our agency is doing everything they can to make sure we are complying with all the regulations. I praise our agency for keeping us all informed of what is going on. God has led a lot of us on this Vietnam journey and He will be with us right to the end. He doesn't start you down a path and leave you there. He is all knowing and He will often test our faith in Him to bring us through all the valleys until we reach the mountain top. He is awesome. It is He himself that says to not worry about anything. Why would the very hands that feed the smallest sparrow or provide rain for the tiniest flower not provide for the needs of His children, the orphans and the parents who want to adopt them. God is bigger than any problem we can ever encounter. In a single breath He sends the snow, and in a single gesture of His hand He calms the most raging storm. God is in control. He will bring it all to pass.

For this , I am grateful. For this, I get on my knees a pray to the One who hold the universe in place. "Please bring my baby home. Please bring Miya home, please bring Marlee home, please bring little John home, please bring baby Addison home, please bring baby H.C. home, please bring Malagan home, please bring Kenleigh home, please bring the babies home to the Hagertys, the Carleys, the Ortizes, the Thomases, the Presseys, the Savells and the DeHavens, and please complete the journeys for Sam and Eli, for Lila and Darby, for Ella, River and Eli and please bring all the orphans to their homes. Thank you, Lord, for bringing home Caroline, Elia, LuLu , Ben, Lucy, Katie, Lottie and Emma Jane and all the other precious children you have blessed other adoptive families with. You are my God and You can move mountains. All You ask is for my faith to be just a big as a mustard seed and You will do great things. Thank you for what You are about to do in our family and all the other families waiting for children. Amen "
He hears my prayer. He will answer in His time.