Just about sums up adoption

Happiness is the intoxication produced by a moment of poise (the referral) between a satisfactory past (not having Kaylee) and an immediate future rich with promise ( the awesome privilege of raising her)

A little on the brighter side

Well, guys, I awoke to much better spirits this morning. I am more at peace now. I know, as a lot of you have encouraged me, that our particular waiting period is because our Kaylee is our Kaylee and we can't have her any sooner than we are supposed to. I hope we do receive even just one referral this week because at least it would feel like that SOMETHING was happening in the adoption world. I know there is a lot of concern out there right now about Vietnam adoptions and some agencies not practicing ethically. However, I feel that our agency has always been on the up and up and we are in great hands. Now, just bring on that referral and the referrals of all my waiting friends and we will be one happy bunch of PAPs! RIGHT?

I cheered myself up this weekend by ordering a hairbow holder from MarleeBelleDesigns at the Etsy shop. I can't wait to receive it! I also went over to a friend's house and got some really precious gently used clothes for Kaylee that she was putting in a church clothing sale. I will post pictures later. Hopefully we will receive great news this week regarding referrals!

Does anyone have a Kleenex and a couch?

I simply cannot hold back the tears today. I want so badly to meet my little girl. I know it maybe unfair to make that statement because so many of you still have a long wait, and I know some of you are probably thinking that we have waited this long, why is it so hard now. I really don't know except when something is just out of your reach, if you just had a little boost you could reach it, and you don't get that boost, it is so absolutely frustrating. I am sorry for being so blue and I am usually so positive with my faith in God to bring us full circle in our journey. My heart just aches sooo much for this little tiny person to finally call my own. I mean, she will be my absolute wish come true. She may be my only chance at motherhood and I so want to just hold her and love her. Every day I think "If Kaylee was here we would be ......" and I want her so much. I am very weak today. I don't mean to bring anyone down, and I am usually a very positive person, I just needed to let it out. Does anyone have a Kleenex and a couch?* sniff, sniff

Even in the valleys

"Even in the valleys, God is good. Even in the valleys, He's faithful and true. " So hard to hold onto sometimes. This is a definite valley. Three weeks and no referrals. I am feeling a little blue. I know in my heart that we are not far from our referral, but when you go weeks with no progress it can really get you down. You know, I guess I shouldn't let it consume me so much, but I love this little girl so much and my heart aches wanting to know who she is. The good news of the week is that five families received travel approvals. I think that is totally awesome! It is just so hard to be so faithful when it feels like nothing is happening. Maybe there will be more referrals soon.

A Definite Roller Coaster Ride

You know, in my perception this adoption journey is very much like a roller coaster ride. There are days of definite highs and days of definite lows. There are days that I think about all the good things to come and definitely how far we have come on this ride. And then there are days that I tend to dwell on how far we have to go and sad in what is seeming like forever to meet our little girl. It is great therapy for me to share in the lives of other Vietnam and Chinese beauties that have been united with their families. These babies are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. To see their smiles, their pigtails, or their latest antics, this is good for me. I hope someday soon, our little Kaylee will do the same to future PAPs on the road to adoption. I was reading through my JTM journal and I want to share another of my favorite entries. It was written on one of those definite low days when I felt like nothing was happening. What I need to realize is God is working to bring Kaylee home and when the most perfect child for us has been chosen by Him for us, it will finally be our day.

Original post date on JTM 8/20/07-Truly I Have Spoken

"Truly I have spoken, truly I will bring it to pass. I have planned it. I will surely do it. Isaiah 46:11. How wise is our Sovereign Lord. In the midst of doubt He will speak to you. In this time of waiting I wonder is God hearing my prayer. I get on my knees and plead with the Almighty Father to reveal to us the daughter He has for us.

And then, He speaks to me, plain and simple, firm and true.

"Melanie, I have planned this adoption journey. I have spoken to your hearts and lead you in this direction. I will bring it to pass, with faith from you that I can. I promise you that I will grant you the desires of your heart. I love you and Dwayne. I knew Kaylee before I formed her in the womb and you have prayed for this child and I will surely do it. Do not be anxious in this time. Pray for Kaylee without ceasing. I will raise the valleys and lower the mountains for you when it is time. Believe in Me to take care of you. I alone stretched out the heavens, my own hand formed the earth, surely I will take care of you. I teach you what is best for you and I direct you in the way you should go. Fix your eyes on me and I will give you refuge. I will protect your heart. I will give you the strength to endure what is before you. You have asked and you shall receive."

Thank you Lord, for the blessing of this adoption. You know the exact precise moment in which our daughter will be revealed to us. You are the giver of life. Thank you for loving us with all our imperfections and for forgiving us when we fail you. As you have placed each star in the sky and given each one a name, so shall you place Kaylee in our arms and give her a forever family. You breathe life into every living being and every living being has a planned destiny by Your divine appointing. I know that you will give us our Kaylee, I do trust You to bring her to us, because I know you provide for the smallest living creature- Why would I doubt that you will provide for us. Thank you for your graciousness. You are my Savior. You are my King. You have blessed me beyond measure and I know Kaylee will be the most beautiful prize at the end of the journey. Although I often wonder why we wait, it is Your plan for us to wait. You are all-knowing and faith in You will lead us down the road to our Kaylee. Please touch her heart wherever she is and let her know that she is not an orphan, for she is our chosen child. Your blessings overflow my life. You are glorious and marvelous. Amen

100 Things I want to do with Kaylee

This was an original post on the Journey to Me journal. I have had so many responses to it, I was asked to share it on this blog. The original posts were done in four parts, but here is all 100.

1. Rock her to sleep. 2. Go to the zoo and meet the polar bears. 3. Bake cutout cookies for every holiday and decorate them with icing and sprinkles 4. Go to Build a Bear and actually look like I belong there! 5. Go to Chik-fil-a and watch her play in the play area 6. Teach her how to play the piano 7. Share with her about the love of God. 8. Dress her 5 times a day (there are plenty of clothes for that!) 9. Go to Walt Disney movies at the theatre 10. Sit for hours and color in coloring books 11. Go to the park and play with the dogs 12. Finally go to a mother-daughter tea as a mother. 13. Start new Christmas traditions 14. Go see Santa at the mall 15. Go see the Easter Bunny at the mall 16. Sit and read story books 17. Sing her lullabies 18. Sit outside and play on the blanket 19. Have a picnic in the living room for lunch 20. Buy Father's Day cards and presents for her Daddy 21. Fill up the bathtub with bubbles and watch her play 22. Painting pumpkins at Halloween together 23. Showing her how to lick the cake beaters 24. Go to McDonald's and actually order a Happy Meal 25. Pick out the perfect Halloween for Grandma to make 26. Make homemade pizza with all our favorite toppings 27. Sing songs together 28. Make play dough masterpieces 29. Have tea parties 30. Make Mickey Mouse pancakes 31. Play Candyland and Memory 32. Go to the mall and finally push a stroller 33. Exchange priceless stories about MY daughter 34. Fold tiny clothes 35. Finally get to check on my daughter in the nursery at church 36. Buy baby food and toddler snacks 37. Wash beautiful black hair 38. Give kisses to my very own baby 39. Make presents for her daddy 40. Fill up a stocking with "Kaylee" on it 41. Clean the crumbs out of the back seat 42. Wipe runny noses and dry tiny tears 43. Finally have a child to take to all the kid birthday parties I am invited to. 44. Make birthday cakes and plan birthday parties 45. Share our adoption story 46. Buy a play house 47. Sit and stare at her most beautiful face 48. Go to Baskin Robbins and eat blue icecream 49. Teach her about Noah, Creation, and Jonah and the Whale 50. Watch her as she sleeps in her crib and get on my knees and thank God about for the most wonderful gift. 51. Watch her put her first tooth under her pillow and then see the smile on her face when she wakes up 52. Sit for hours and blow bubbles and drive the dogs crazy 53. Read the same book for the 100th time and still enjoy it like the first time 54. get really dirty 55. Roast marshmellows and force Daddy to eat one (he doesn't like them !) 56. Watch her scream at a spider one day and hand me a bug the next day (thanks, Jan, for that one!) 57. Snuggle with her after she crawls out of her bed and into our bed. 58. Teach her how to tie her shoes (no velcro please!) 59. Chase her from the bathtub as she runs naked and free giggling and squealing with delight as i call her back to the bathtub! 60. Watch her as she tries to glue everything in the house to construction paper 61. Watch her try to ride the goats (the goats are not here any longer, but I am sure she will try to ride something with four legs) 62.Watch a Pooh Bear movies on a blustery night sipping hot chocolate when she has a cold (thanks, Jan, again!) 63. Watch her walk around the house in my size 10 shoes or daddy's size 12 boots! 64. Watch MY daughter sing her heart out in the children's program 65. Make cupcakes to take to her class party 66. Watch her attempt to wrap presents and play in all the ribbons and bows to just wrap herself. 67. See her smile when she first wakes up 68. Watch her ride with daddy on his BIG Kubota tractor. 69. Make snow angels 70. Listen to her babble in the monitor 71. Hear the word "Momma" and know that it means me! 72. Mail Kaylee's picture in the holiday greeting card 73. Catch lightning bugs and keep them in a jar. 74. Hear her squeal when she catches her very first fish in the pond with Daddy. 75. Exchange kisses and hugs every night at bedtime ( I just can't wait for that one) 76. Lay in the backyard on a blanket and watch the clouds go by. 77. Lay on the blanket at night and count the stars 78. Take her to Incredible Pizza 79. Ride in the Tahoe and sing " You are my sunshine" at the top of our lungs 80. Make the most incredible ice cream sundae to share with a mountain of whipped topping 81. Take her to Target and shop (mommy's favorite store) 82. Take her to the mall to ride the carousel 83. Comfort her after a bad dream. 84. Take her to get her nails done (and toenails!) 85. Drive her around to see all the Christmas lights 86. Watch her eyes light up the first time she sees fireworks 87. Put out marshmellows for Santa's reindeer. 88. Mail a letter to Santa 89. Display her latest artistic masterpiece 90. Pat her sweet little bottom to sleep 91 Watch her dress herself for the first time 92. Dress her in her dance costume for her first recital 93. Show her how to plant a flower 94. Pick out Valentines 95. Lay in the bed and have a long conversation 96. Peel the apple so she will eat it 97. Have a movie marathon, complete with popcorn and Dr. Pepper, with "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, "Charlotte's Web", "The Wizard of Oz", and "The Grinch". 98. Watch "Rudolph", "Frosty", "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", " A Year without a Santa Claus", and "Jack Frost" while decorating the Christmas Tree. 99. Make homemade Christmas Ornaments. 100. Love her and hold her and tell that she is my sugar pie honeybunch, pumpy, upmy , umpkin, she's my sweetie pie, she's my cuppie cake gumdrop, snookem, snookem, snort, the apple of my eye!

This is the end of the first 100 , but it is so addicting, I am sure we will have a second 100 things.. sequel coming soon!

What is it like to be a mommy?

I have asked myself this question many times. It is often something one takes for granted. When you have tried for so long to accomplish the one thing in your life you just know you are cut out for and then one road block after another puts you 14 years down the road asking the same question. I wonder what it is like to have my own baby to hold whenever I want, instead of "borrowing" someones else's baby for a short time. I wonder what it is like to hear the word "Mommy" and have my heart simply melt into a puddle of mush. What is it like to reach into a crib and see the face of an angel? What does it feel like to teach your daughter about why birds sing and why the sun shines? I wonder what it will be like to hold my own child's hand and know it is forever. I wonder what it is like to get that kiss goodnight. I wonder what it is like to have soulful eyes look deep into yours and trust you will all her might. What will my heart feel the first time I see her face? How much will it hurt to have to punish her for something she did wrong? How will it feel the first time she tells me that she learned about Jesus? How will I know how to be a good mommy to her? What is it like to have your own child? All I do know is that I simply cannot wait to hold this child and tell her how much I love her and that this love is for keeps and I will never let go. I do know that I will fall on my knees before God the Father and thank Him for His perfect plan for my life to adopt Kaylee and thank Him for the awesome privilege to be called Kaylee's Mommy.