If we had known from the beginning how long and hard this journey was going to be, how many uncertainties still lie ahead and how heart wrenching the love for this child was going to be, would we have still taken the journey? I honestly don't know. I think I would have doubted how much I would let my heart handle on the front end. I might not have known how much my heart could grow to love this faceless child. I might would have said that it is not for me because I am a pre-planner, all ducks in a row kind of person. I would have honestly thought that I could not handle all the uncertainty. I do know that if we had not taken this journey that Kaylee would be an orphan forever. I am glad we are enduring heartache for her. She is waiting for us. I don't know where she is, I do know that we will find her.
I do have to admit that I had a meltdown today. I cried out to God and asked Him why we are having to wait. I asked Him if I would ever get to hold my baby. I wiped my tears in the warmth of the sun and looked up as if to see Him. There was a peace that came over me suddenly. A cool breeze brushed across my face. I could feel God's presence right beside me like He had his arm around me. In that instant, my fears were calmed and I thanked Him for comforting me. I think sometimes God allows us to trust Him enough and we really feel like we have a grip on everything and then He asks us for more. I don't know how anyone could make it on this journey without having God to lean on. He knows my every thought before I think it. He knows my heartache. He takes care of the smallest living creature, why would He not take care of me?
Sovereign Lord, Thank you for allowing us to walk through the valleys in order to trust You. You know me because You formed me with Your own hand. I know that You want us to be parents, Lord. And I trust that. You know when the time will be right. And I trust that. Please give me the strength to endure the uncertainties that still lie ahead for us. Please keep Your loving hand on my sweet daughter. Wrap her in your arms and let her know that we love her. Lord, You are all-knowing. You plan each day, ones with happiness, and ones with tears. For each I am thankful. Without the tears, we would not know the happiness. And one day there will be tears and happiness. I trust You, Lord. You are my stronghold. Thank you for loving me and for leading me on this journey. For I know the plans You have for me, I will trust in You. Amen
9 comments:
Oh Melanie, this post has given me chills. So many times I've had a meltdown and it felt like God came right to me and filled me with peace. There are no words to describe it, as I'm sure you know. He is doing amazing things through you...I pray that soon the tears you cry will turn into tears of joy at seeing Kaylee's face.
I've had a few meltdowns myself lately. It's hard and I've questioned a lot of things lately. I do believe this is where God wants me to be. I am going to wait and I know it's going to get harder. I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to get thru it all. Melanie-You really life my sprits and give me lots of strength. I look forward to reading your post b/c when you lift yourself up, you are also lifting others up with you. Thank you for that. God has picked Kaylee out just for your family. I pray that she is revealed to you soon.
For about a year now, I've been saying that if the Lord had told me what we were in for when we got started, I would probably have said, "No thanks. I'll pass." So I am thankful He concealed the matter, otherwise I wouldn't be experiencing this amazing, living, growing love I feel for these two beautiful boys--MY SONS!--, for orphans everywhere, and most importantly, for my God. Even with all of those blessings, I know there will be more heaped into my life through this one, long, often agonizing experience. Isn't our God so amazing and awesome!?! And aren't we thrilled and grateful and blessed to have been chosen by Him to take this journey, even with all of the pain and tears!?!
Melanie, your faith and steadfastness is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your prayers. They give words to those of us who have a hard time finding them. I'm praying too, that your sweet, sweet Kaylee will come to you soon.
i am so sorry for the wait. governments just do not feel the urgency we feel.
I completely agree. I have not been at this nearly as long as you have, but had I known what it was going to be like, I don't think I would have ever started. I find such comfort reading your posts and prayers.
Melanie: We haven't started our process yet and I already have had meltdown. I think it is a part of the adoption process. Yes, I agree with you that you have to lean on God every step of the way in this journey. I do not know what I would do if I did not have him to rely on. Doug and I have kept you in our prayers and will continue too.
Regina
I'm sure another meltdown is due within a couple weeks. But reading your posts are always, so helpful. After reading your post, this is the perfect time to sign off and hit the hay!
I am so glad that you found some peace today. This has been a very long and stressful journey for you guys. I pray you see Kaylee's face soon.
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