Friday, May 30, 2008

Ethica has posted some new information

The Ethica website has posted some good information on their website at the link below.

It sounds as if the US is trying to reach a temporary agreement to bridge the program until Vietnam signs on to the Hague Convention. They are implementing the DNA testing and they are still stating that dossiers will be returned after Sept. 1. However, all families with dossiers already logged in were asked to write a letter to Dr. Long requesting that dossiers be honored after the Sept. 1 deadline. The problem is that Vietnam wants to make sure that the US is on board because, they do not want to release referrals and families not be able to recieve visas. So this is definitely a matter of prayer. But, our agency does report that the letters that were presented from our agency were received very well by the DIA.

There seems there may be some referrals coming through next week. Let's hope there is at least one infant girl referral so we can move off this number 10 and into the single digits. Hey, wouldn't it be fabulous if there were 10 baby girl referrals?! hehehehehehe! Anyway, we will be rejoicing with all the families that will receive their long awaited referrals.

On a personal level, Vacation Bible Schools starts on Sunday and runs through Friday and as the director, I will be busy all week long, not to mention tired, so I don't know how much blogging will get done next week, but I will at least let you know if there are any referrals next week.


Keep praying for our Kaylee, and send a special prayer please for my sweet friends Lauren and Gina and Heather to please, please, please get their approvals to travel. Sam and Eli and River and Darby and Lyla, we love you and want you home!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I wonder

I wonder if this child that we don't even know yet know how much she is already loved.
I wonder if this child knows how many people are rooting for her to make her appearance.
I wonder if this child knows she has a family.
I wonder if I will be a good mommy.
I wonder if we will get our referral soon.
I wonder why we are having to wait so long.
I wonder what I will be doing when we finally get "the call".
I wonder what our baby will look like.
I wonder what she is doing right now.
I wonder what my daughter will do the first time she sees me.
I wonder whay I will do the first time I hold my daughter.
I wonder what it feels like to be somebody's mom.
I wonder when my friends Gina and Lauren will finally be able to hold their children.
I wonder if God hears ALL my prayers.
I wonder how God picks out each little child for each family.
I wonder when Vietnam adoptions will get back on track.
I wonder if all my adoptive friends know how special they are to me.

Just a few things I have been wondering about.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Together our experiences make us strong

We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through.

I often find myself wondering why we are having all the trials that seem to be before us in this journey. I have always been a particulary strong person, not physically, but emotinally. I think adoption is so much more than achieveing motherhood. Lately I have found myself more concerned for the other families for which I have come to know and love through this blog. I pray each day that God give them the strength they need to endure what ever lies before them in their stage of this journey. I am praying for those waiting for approvals, like Gina and Lauren, to be strong at heart and know that their children are going to home soon. I pray for my friends that are right in line with us that we all get our referrals real soon. And I pray mostly for those beloved friends of mine,like Carra and Laurie ,that they will also be strong-hearted to stay the course and wait for the children that they are meant to be with. I thank God for giving me the strength to hold on until we get our referral for Kaylee. When she is born in to my heart, then I will be changed to a mother. Something I have waited my whole life for. I try so hard to use this blog as an outlet to uplift those who are also on this journey. There is no possible way on earth that this journey was meant for anyone to go at alone. We all know and understand the heartaches that come before the joys. We all know how hard it is to wait for the one thing that you just have to wait for because there is nothing else to do but wait.

In 663 days, I have grown closer to God in trust and faith because there was something huge in my life that was out of my control. In 663 days, I have fallen in love with this amazing little girl that I can't even put a face to yet, but trust that she is out there somewhere waiting for me. In 663 days, I have learned to put everything at the feet of God and know that He will give me the desire of my heart, He will not leave me or forsake me. In 663 days, I have discovered more things that I want to share with my daughter that I may not have otherwise known. In 663 days, I have come to know the most wonderful friends, all of which would never have been in my life without the waiting. (You know who you are!) In 663 days, I have learned that there are so many of you who are hoping for Kaylee's referral as much or more that we are! In 663 days, I have learned that nothing on this journey is set in stone and you have to be able to roll with punches and take everything as it comes, the bad with the good.

Only God knows how much more time we will have to wait. The waiting is within His purpose. I hope our very near future holds a sweet little girl. I am thankful to God for allowing us to go through what we are going through so that we will be able to help others who will go through what we went through, and are still going through.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Waiting, waiting, waiting,.......

Yowzee! 660 days! Oh, where oh, where is my little Kaylee? Oh, where oh where can she be?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

A Hopeful Future

Wow, in my blog browsing, things seem to be happening in the world of Vietnam adoptions. There have been travel approvals issued and referrals made. JCICS has made an official launch to their Vietnam campaign. You can read it here. There are specific instructions to be carried out on June 2, so please put an effort forth to allow Vietnam adoptions to continue our we could be looking at a two year delay! Please follow ALL instructions as laid out. You do not have to be an adoptive parent to participate. If you are willing to participate on Kaylee's behalf, please do so.

Somehow my heart is full of a hope for a future with my daughter. I truly believe she awaits us in Vietnam. I know that she will be for us what God wants her to be. I know she will be this truly amazing little girl, more amazing than I have imagined. She will somehow be the one thing my life has been missing but in the same instant my heart will lack nothing because of her. In her eyes I will see innocence and trust, reflection and gratitude. I will lift her up to God everyday and allow Him to have the glory for her existence. I will be humbled on my knees in thankfullness for the most amazing awesome gift one could ever receive. When you are faced with not being able to bear biological children, you learn in a very short while that becoming a parent is privilege. So many times, I see young parents that just take having children for granted and I want to stop them and say, "You need to thank God the Father for allowing you to be the parent of this child. There are many of us that do not have the luxury of being able to bear our own. Just thank Him, and treat child like it is the most precious thing you could ever have."

All around me are young mothers, soft tiny babies, and stories of child/parent relationships.My heart breaks so many times at wanting to be a mother. I so want to experience the joy that comes from being a parent, nuturing a child, and growing her toward Christ. My heart is at peace with this journey, I am trusting God to take all this dreaming and wishing and turn it in to reality and circumstance. I am SO ready to be a parent. I as SO ready to share my life with such an incredible little girl. Maybe, just maybe, our time will be soon.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Giving up

When you feel like giving up, remember why you were holding on in the first place.- Unknown

No, I am not giving up, although there are many days that I feel like I want to. I never knew that this adoption journey was going to be so hard. And I don't recall anyone saying it was going to be easy, but sometimes, you just feel like everything is holding on by a thread and it won't take much to break it. That is where I am right now, my heart hanging on by a thread and it won't take much to break it. But when I get down in the dumps, or decide to pull out the 'Oh-woe-is-me" card, then I do remember this little girl that I am desiring to bring home. SHE is why I am holding on. SHE is the one who needs me so how can I give up on her and bail out just because things are tough right now. But I think back to just two weeks ago, when things looked so grim, and even in two short weeks things are slowly on the up turn.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that although alot of the time I am upbeat and positive, there are many days of tearful exhausting cries and swarms of doubting thoughts in my head. But through all of this , I have learned to lift up the One who brought me to this exact place. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord". Yes, He does, but sometimes I just wish He would let me in on those plans so that I can breathe a little easier. But, He keeps giving me strength for each new day, renewing me and refilling my cup.

I do know that this particular adoption journey is not for the faint at heart. Since one day you are rejoicing with the news of referrals for other families as these precious children have found their home, and in the next instant, your heart is aching wondering when it is going to be your referral day. So, I just buckle my belt and laugh a little, and scream a little, take a little Pepto Bismal and get back on the ride for another round of unexpected excitement.

So, the next time you feel like giving up, just remember the child that waits at the end of the struggle. Pray a little, laugh a little, scream a little and hold on, because we are on the biggest ride of our lives. Oh, and you might want to stock up on Pepto.

Dear Kaylee

My dear sweet Kaylee,
I am sitting here today thinking so much about you. I long to see your deep dark eyes and brush your soft black hair. My heart has loved you for more than two years now, we just have to find you. I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me already. I cry for you so many times that God would place you in our arms. Have so many things that I want to teach you. I have already adopted you in my heart. You are already my daughter. I want to kiss your sweet cheeks before putting you to bed, I want to take you outside and show you your first flower or first ladybug. You have already consumed my heart. I love you soooo much. I imagine in my mind what you will look like. You are already loved by so many people you could never imagine it so. I want to rock you to sleep and sing you sweet lullabies. I know that you are waiting for us. Hold tight, sweet little one, for your dream of a mommy and daddy is just around the corner. God will bring us together soon. Just remember that I already love you and will love you forever. You are my angel. You are my dream come true. I am desperate to meet you, but until then, I will ask God to wrap his arms around you and hold you until we are able to. I love you, my darling, maybe it won't be too long until we can be together.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I don't know whether to be happy or sad

I have been surfing all the blogs here and there and it seems that several families have received their referrals in the past two or three weeks from other agencies. So, I am sitting here wondering when we will get our referral. Don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO happy for these families. It's just that I am feeling a little "woe-is-me" because our timeframe has been so much longer. I know, I understand that it is because they are with other agencies. It is great that Vietnam is releasing referrals to the US after all the events of the past couple of weeks. So in this I should be thankful. Maybe the referrals will come our agency's way soon. Oh well, I was just having a happy-sad-happy-sad moment looking at all these beautiful babies' faces and wondering where my Kaylee is. Thanks for listening. I feel better now. I am going to fix myself an ice cold Dr. Pepper and eat some more of those Dove chocolates I just found! Oh, and I better keep the Kleenex box and nose spray near by. Now, where did I put that survival kit???

In a happy place

I just found a whole bag of Dove chocolate in a Target shopping bag. Oh my, I am in a very happy place! There is nothing like yummy Dove chocolate! Did you know that they even have Dove Chocolate Home parties? It's true! You can become a professional Dove Chocolatier! Oh, me, I couldn't imagine the like of hosting a Dove chocolate party! Sippin' chocolate martini, eating Dove chocolate exclusive desserts, and dipping munchies in Dove fondue! Whew... bring on the pounds with that home party!

Friday, May 16, 2008

What is patience?

I have learned to never ask God for patience in waiting, because He will make you wait to gain patience.

Patience defined:
  • The bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune or pain without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like.
  • An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance with delay
  • quiet, steady perserverance, even-tempered care, diligence
  • the capacity of enduring hardship or inconvenience without complaint

Wow, I never thought of part of patience as "without complaint". What things in life are we really patient with? Waiting at a restaurant, waiting at the redlight, waiting for that ever important document to come in the mail. Oh, and the biggie- waiting for the referral!

This waiting is Hard, really, really hard. Through this journey, though, I have learned patience. I have learned so far to bear the current misfortune without complaint or loss of temper, but I won't say that I haven't been frustrated. I do try to suppress my annoyance about the delay we are experiencing and I have gained diligence and a quiet steady perserverance to achieve adopting our daughter. I thank God for where He has put us in this journey. You know, without this trust and waiting, I wouldn't have had to turn to God as much as I have. This journey is definitely one for the books.

I do know one thing. I know that one day my daughter will know how much she was loved, how long we waited for her, and that we were picked especially for her. I don't mind the wait when I set my eyes on the prize and know that she will be worth it all. I love her to the moon and back already. She has stolen my heart. She will be worth the diligence, perserverence and the endurance. When we finally see her little face, all of this waiting will be a distant memory. However, I do know that comes with a whole new set of patience and waiting.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

651 Days... Where's Kaylee?
Dwayne has said all along he thought we would get our referral this July, I guess we will wait and see....

You can't see the forrest for the trees

A couple of weeks ago I attended a school play for the son of some very dear friends of ours. The play was about these individual trees in the forrest that each had their own plans for what they wanted to be. It turned out that God had his own plans for each of the trees. One was the boat that Jesus fished out of, one was the manger He was laid in, and one was the cross that He died on. The trees were just ready to leave the forest. God already knew what He wanted to use the trees for, but He allowed the trees to follow their own direction until He was ready to make them what He wanted.

I think often times God allows us to make decisions until He is ready to step in and take over. That is how it is with this adoption journey. We knew we wanted to be parents and that this was our option. There is no doubt in my mind that God pricked our hearts with the idea. Everything was moving smoothly and then lately we have really had to sit back and let God work it out. My prayers to God have probably seemed somewhat desperate. My heart has been aching. My mind has entertained the idea that this child will never reach my home. And then, I bring it back to the One who led us down this road to begin with. It is time to let Him take over. I may have said in a previous post what a friend recently said to me. That ultimately it is God bringing these children home, Vietnam and America are only the means of bringing this child home.
I promise you that I have days of doubt and many tears. We have been on this journey for so long. It almost seems like a dream. But I remain hopeful . There is news of referrals from several agencies and this makes my heart happy.
I try to use this blog as an encouragement tool for those who are reading on the same journey as we are. Some say I am too positive, but that only comes from having a faith and trust in God, my Father. He know how much we want this child, He knows the plans we have for this child, He loves me and I know He is going to honor those desires. I know that some days I am purely down to absolutely nothing and there is no other place to look but up to Him. God wants His children to need Him. I have grown closer to God in probably the past six months than I have ever gotten to Him. His ways are not our ways. Our plans are not His plans. He will provide this child to us when we are ready. This waiting we have been doing has brought Dwayne and I closer together. I know I will fall on my knees in praise come the day we do receive our referral.
This child will be a reflection of God's grace and mercy. He is preparing her just as He is preparing us.

I think if we step back just a little, we might be able to see the forrest instead of focusing on an individual tree. It is a time for us to support each other and encourage each other. We all have the same goal, to bring our children home. My prayer is for each family that is dossier ready to be allowed to complete their adoption. My prayer is for each family already referred a child to be allowed to travel very shortly to receive their blessing,(Gina and Lauren and Heather and Allison- my CHI families), my prayer for all the waiting families is for an agreement to be reached soon so that we can all breathe for awhile and once again be hopeful and know that our children are coming home. This is no easy journey, and every family has a different circumstance and desire. We will get through this. I just feel in my heart that there is hope in the future. If everyone will do their part and support each other we will find our way to our children.

I thank each and every one of you that leave me comments of well wishes for Kaylee. I feel like the whole world is waiting for her to make her appearance. I am truly honored with all the prayers that have been said on our behalf and I continue to thank God every day for everyone who wants Kaylee to come home as much as we do. I always love to know who is checking in on us. Somehow it just warms my heart.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

My heart is full of Grace

Isn't she a beauty? I had the awesome privilege of spending the day with this little cutie! I have been following her mommy's blog and recently found out that she and her mommy don't live very far from me. So we met for lunch in Jackson, TN today to officially meet. Let me tell you, this little girl overwhelmed my heart.

I am told this is a typical Gracie face. I LOVE IT! Can you imagine what she is thinking to herself? Probably, "Who is this strange lady who is taking pictures of me?" Is she adorable or what? But after a couple of hours, we were fast friends. She was sharing kisses and talking up a storm, however, we never did manage to get her to smile today.

This is pure sweetness. As I was holding Gracie, my heart felt something it has been longing to feel, or just a glimpse of it anyway. I just kept looking into these deep dark eyes and thanking God that THIS child found her forever family. As I held her, somehow my heart found hope for holding my Kaylee. I was in an awesome place in my mind and heart with her. Thank you, Sherri and Nanny for sharing Grace with me today. You don't know how much good it did my heart to hold this little beauty and share kisses with her. What a doll.

Me, Grace, and Sherri, her mom

Starting to share kisses with me!

Love this profile!

Would you please quit telling me how cute I am?

Okay, I'll play peek-a-pie with you.

What a beautiful day. My heart has been filled with a new found friendship, awesome joy, and sweet Grace. Thank you, Lord, for bringing this sweet family into my life. To hold this little girl is more than my heart could hope for right now. If anything, You have showed me that dreams do come true and through Grace You have given peace to my heart until the day I meet my sweet Kaylee. Please, Lord, keep this child close to Your heart. She is simply the most precious thing I have ever seen. Thank you for sending her to a wonderful family. Please bring Kaylee home so that she and Gracie can be buddies.

Monday, May 12, 2008

My heart has been touched in so many ways

It has truly humbled me to know how many people are thinking about us and praying for us. I am sure there are some I still don't know about, if you are not one to leave comments, I don't know who you are. This has really touched my heart more than anyone would ever be able to know. I received an email from another Vietmom that said in part "That it's not Vietnam that will bring our child, and it's not America, these countries are only used BY Him to bring our daughters to us." She also reminded me that the scriptures state that if you seek Him, you will find Him, when you search for Him with all your heart. Well, I promise you, that I have been searching for answers will all my heart, soul, and mind. God continues to grant me peace on this Vietnam journey. Every night I sleep with Kaylee's pink elephant and hold it close to my heart as if I was holding her. There seems to be more rays of sunshine than clouds of doubt for the time being. I ultimately believe in my heart that God wants to grant mercy to Kaylee, moreover granting mercy to us. He is compassionate and loving and will show her that she has a family waiting for her.

He hears her prayer.

"Dear God in Heaven,
I know you have just created me not too long ago and as I lay in this cradle I long for a mommy and daddy. I know that you have a mommy and daddy for me. Please, God, let my mommy and daddy come for me. Please let them know that I am okay, but I dream of the day that I will have a mommy and a daddy. I know that they will love me so much. Until then, Lord, keep me safe and warm. I will wait for them, Lord, because I know you have already picked them out for me.
Jesus I know that you love me. I will trust you , Lord, for as long as it takes to bring my mommy and daddy to me. Amen"

God continues to show me that we are on the right journey. Tonight a very dear friend arrived at Bunco with a bag full of "Things that make me smile"(found in a previous post in March). Thank you, Kathy, I really needed to be reminded of the little things in life that bring such simple joy, like Dove chocolate and Dr. Pepper, instead of being consumed with all the big things in life that sometimes bring heartache before the joy. You have been a very dear friend to me.

I am also looking forward to tomorrow, for I am going to meet another Vietnamese darling, Gracie! I can't wait. She is such a cutie. I will be sure to report our days adventures with her and her mommy, Sheri.

And by the way, JCICS is delaying their announcement pending the outcome of a meeting this week, so as soon as I know what the plan of action is, I will be sure to let you all know. We definitely need all willing participants on board. So, stay tuned. I will be anxious to see who will be willing to help us out and letting the powers that be know how much we all want these little orphans to come home to a better life. That is what it is about anyway, the welfare of these children, not the differences between the two governements. Let's pray that they will reach a resolution SOON so that we all can breathe just a little bit!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Where two or more are gathered in My name, says the Lord

My life was touched today by the hand of God. In our church service this morning our pastor asked all the mothers to stand. As I sat and watched all the mothers, my eyes welled with tears. I secretly wished that I had been able to stand up today and remembered this same feeling last year and then knew that last year was going to be my last year awaiting motherhood. Well, while my mind was entertaining my heartaches, the pastor's words caught my attention. He said" There is one lady here today that we know has been waiting to be a momma for a very long time. And she tells me that we are now under a deadline to receive a referral before the program goes into an indefinite wait. Melanie and Dwayne want this child so badly. Melanie, come down front." Oh my goodness, I thought to myself, I don't want to stand in front of all these people and seem like some needy person that only a miracle of God can fix. Why is he doing this to me? I mean, nobody needs to be bothered with our worries. I try to be so humble with these types of things and not bring attention to myself. But God obviously decided it was time to bring some folks together to pray for this baby. So, I proceeded to go down front as asked and then he asked if any ladies would like to come and stand down front with me as he prayed to God for our Kaylee. My heart was overwhelmed as every lady as far as I could tell came down front with me. Oh my goodness, I did not realize how many people loved us. I was surrounded by some of the most Godly women I have ever know. I was honored to have them stand with me. The pastor led the most beautiful simple prayer of hope. In that moment of loving hearts and arms surrounding me, I felt blessed peace. My tears were flowing already from an empty heart on another childless Mother's Day. I suddenly realized that God brought this support system to me on a day that I needed it most. My heart was so touched by the display of love that all these ladies showed me. He prayed for God to show us direction and to provide this child to us before the deadline if it was in His plan to do so. He asked for my heart to have peace and comfort. I left feeling refreshed today.

It really meant alot to me for God to show me that we are not going through this journey together. I have people praying for us that I didn't even know. God is good and my faith was renewed today. I don't know for how long, but sometimes God takes us to such a low place, that the only way up is to look for Him. He showed me hope today. Thank you, God, for refreshing my hope.

Our agency is expecting some referrals soon. I will be so happy for the families that get to realize their hopes and dreams. God, please bless these families. God, please keep Kaylee in you arms until it is time for us to meet her. For it will be that day that I will finally become a mother.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Will you help us bring Kaylee home?

On Monday, the Joint Council for International Children's Services is launching a campaign to bring our children home from Vietnam. Our agency will be forwarding us information on a specific day and time we are to contact our state senators and representatives to urge them to advocate for Vietnam adoptions to continue and to reach some resolution in the Memorandum of Understanding that needs to be renegotiated. If you are a family member, friend, or adoptive parent, or anyone touched by adoption, be it Vietnam or any other country, for the welfare of these orphans will you please do your part?

I urge you with my utmost being to participate in this campaign so that all of us can complete our adoptions and fullfil our life's dream. It is going to take all of us to make such a great impression on the government officials that they will work on our behalf to reach an agreement with Vietnam. Tune back here on Monday and I will post your instructions. Will you help us and other waiting families fulfill our dream? Are you in? Are you committed to your adoption? I know that I am going to do whatever our agency asks, along with a personal letter to my senators of our specific story so that maybe their heart will be touched to plead for all waiting adoptive families. Can I count on you?

Friday, May 9, 2008

I could have been a mother

In the 644 days we have been waiting for Kaylee I could have birthed:
  • 1 Whale
  • 1 Asain Elephant
  • 1 donkey
  • 5 goats
  • 9 guinea pigs
  • 2 hippos
  • 1 horse
  • 6 lions
  • 5 pigs
  • 20 rabbits
  • 4 sheep
  • 15 kangaroos
  • 2 human babies
  • 40 hamsters
  • 2 llamas
  • 5 leopards
  • 2 giraffes
  • 5 hyenas
  • 9 skunks
  • 10 dogs
  • 10 cats
  • 1 camel
  • 2 cows

Isn't that funny? I could have started a whole petting zoo by now! I just thought everyone needed a little lighthearted fun.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

643 days, waiting is simply exhausting!
One year ago today our dossier reached Vietnam.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Open Eyes, Open Heart

If everything always went the way I planned it, my eyes would never be open to see the result of being faithful to God and trusting Him. Often times I get comfortable when things are going my way, taking everything for granted and then all of a sudden God shakes things up and says"Do you remember Me? The One who made you who you are, the One who has brought you to this very place today? Why do you not call me anymore? Don't you need Me? I miss my time with you." Then He takes me to this place of utter desperation and I reach out to Him with outstretched arms and I say "Yes, I remember You. You have made me and You have brought me to this very place where I will ask You for strength and faith. I need You, Lord. I love you and I miss you. Please take me heartache and turn it into joy. You are my Saviour, You are my God." Then I wipe my tears and thank Him for all He has done for me and all He has yet to do.

Sunday, May 4, 2008


This thought just came to me today. When God sent us on this journey to find Kaylee in Vietnam, He knew on Aug 2, 2006 that we would be in this very place we are in today.

My God is bringing me strength and faith. I have an utter sense of peace today that my Kaylee is coming, I have faith in my God to bring it to pass. For He has planned it, He will surely do it.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Pressing On

The time may be delayed, the manner may be unexpected, but the answer is sure to come. Not a tear of sacred sorrow, not a breath of holy desire poured out to God will ever be lost; but in God's own time and way will be wafted back again in clouds of mercy, and fall in showers of blessings upon you and those for whom you pray. ~ Henry Coyle

Wow, what to say. Most of us in this Vietnam world are sorting out feelings, emotions, tears, doubt, hope, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, headaches, insomnia, tears, helplessness, faith, trust, grace, tears, heart break, heartache, numbness, uncertainty and fear. I don't remember exactly where I found this quote but it has brought me comfort. Our tears and prayers poured out to God will NEVER be lost, rather in His mercy and timing showers of blessings will fall upon us. I know some of you are probably tired of me trying to be so positive when things look so bleak, but if we dwell on doubt and not on future promise then we might find ourselves in such an emotional state that we won't be able to bear it. So much of who we are are these babies that have grown into our hearts, our everyday lives and in our minds. We have made the plans, secured the dreams, and reached for the stars for the sake of our children we long to have in our homes.
My best advice for my beloved PAP friends is, that if Vietnam is your only option for adoption, then stick it out, at least until Sept until we find out what is going to happen. Then, decide to wait out the delay, or search for new possiblities. I have had so many people ask me why we don't change to a boy or accept special needs. Here is my answer, the beauty of international adoption was to have the option to choose gender. We are also older and we may only be able to do this one time, so thus we both prayed about it and decided we really wanted a daughter. I am not saying that we would not want a son, all I am saying is that it is a personal choice for us and we are going to go with it.I have always dreamed of a daughter- tea parties, tutus, ruffles, bows, pedicures, girl movies, slumber parties, and mommy daughter moments. I know if we had been able to have biological children, we would have been happy with either gender and obviously we would not have been able to choose, but when you are faced with the option, you really consider what your desires are. And if this adoption had happened in a quicker manner, we would have probably pursued adopting a boy, and I am not saying that we won't if time and money permit it. We are not young like alot of the PAPs that I have met, so when faced with a choice, we went with what our heart desired. After all, this was supposed to be a solid and fool proof way to grow our family. I mean we had signed up with the program only mere months after it opened and never in our wildest dreams would we be faced with a longer wait then what we had already anticipated. But, here we wait, like many others whose choices are limited. As far as special needs goes, I know that if your birth child is born with a need you handle it unconditionally, but when it comes to adoption, I believe God pricks the hearts of those who know going in to adoption that they would be open to handling special needs. I don't feel like at this point in our journey that we should change to special needs simply to get a referral, because God did not lay that desire on our hearts when we started this process. I absolutely commend all families that take on a special needs child, I think it is awesome. And I know that there are no guarantees in adoption, that with little limited medical information Kaylee could still end up with a special need, but that would be what God would allow us to endure. Just like every thing else on this journey. You should never criticize a family for making a choice to not accept special needs. This is a very personal, soul searching , heart wrenching decision. It is just simply not for us.

To all my beloved PAPs who may have other country options, decide what your heart can handle and ask for God's guidance in this journey. It is not giving up on your child to turn down a different road and find then in another country. Maybe God pricked your heart with adoption, and Vietnam was the best one at the time, but now, there may be another country where your dream may come true. Or stay the course and press on to your child in Vietnam. We will all know soon enough where we stand and what decisions have to be made for the well being of our own families.
And Pray- I have never prayed for anything so hard in my entire life. This week I have been praying to get Kaylee's referral by Sept 1, but my heart has changed my prayer to allow all the dossier families to recieve referrals, that Vietnam will proceed with what has been told to the agencies for six months, to get dossiers in country so that all families logged in may receive a referral. For this would be a tremendous blessing.This is a topic that alot of agencies will be discussing with Vietnam officials when they have a meeting in the next couple of weeks. There is absolutely no way anyone could survive an adoption without believing in prayer and God's goodness. Our journeys make us strong, our valleys build our faith, and our faith allows us to see the glory and goodness of God in everything.
My heart goes out to all the families who are home with their children, that they would find peace that their child was a true orphan and know that God brought them together. These families are beautiful and fit perfectly together. These families give me hope of a future with Kaylee. I visit so many blogs to find these beautiful children smiling and full of life, bringing joy to their mommies and daddies and hope for their future. One day I hope to share Kaylee with all of you. She will be my moon and stars, the air I breathe and light of day. She will be the most beautiful gift in the world. I will love her with all my heart and never take a day for granted with her. She will be God-given and precious and will be my dream come true.
I know it is hard to be in such an uncertain circumstance, believe me, I really know. You search for answers in your head to find that they are not there. Then you are back to trust and faith.

A very dear friend shared this quote with me:
When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you, He is merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this and embed it in your mind and heart, because God does not abandon His children, He loves us and He is just making us stronger on this journey. His will will never take us where His grace cannot protect us.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sending everyone a good luck dragonfly!