Our ways are not God's ways

Proverbs 16:9"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

Wow, how powerful and especially fitting to this adoption journey. As I look back on the start of this journey over 700 days ago, I thought it was going to be so easy: a simple approval, filing paperwork, getting matched with a child, flying across the ocean, and returning home for a new life with my daughter. We often plan our own course, and at any minute God will change it on a dime. You know how you sit down and say "In 5 years from now......". Well, 15 years ago I would have said "Five years from now we will have children..." and then it became "7 years", then it became without a doubt "10 years". Well, here we are 15 years of marriage and still not parents. Our ways are not God's ways and often we do not understand God's ways at all. There is so much that He does not allow us to understand, yet wants us to put our full trust in Him for the perfect outcome. Even more recent, I said at the start of this journey without a doubt that we would have already had Kaylee by now: New program recently opened up, vibrant and alive with many prospective adoptive parents, referrals right and left, homestudy done without any problems, papers filed in record time, confidence is the uptmost high place. And then: BOOM! All of a sudden, slow downs in the program and the number of referrals dropping drastically, turmoil among the countries, reports of illegal referrals, what???? How could MY God allow more heartache for a heart that just wants to be a momma? How could MY God let my heart feel hopeless in the only means of becoming a parent? How could MY God lead us so close to the end of our journey to close the door on the only hope we have had in fifteen years to become parents? Then, through my tears, I thank God for all He has done for me asking Him to provide the trust and the faith that I need to make it through this journey. I know He is magnificent, that He has every single tip-toe, every single giant step already planned out for this journey. I know that He has given me strength in entire weakness to hold on to His love and to trust Him to bring Kaylee to us. He is my steadfast Rock, my everlasting stronghold, He is my Savior.

I surfing the blogs tonight, my heart is heavy as I ran across two blogs that reported their referrals being retracted from them. I am at a loss for words. For these families my heart aches and is broken as I know what kind of intense waiting your do until the day you finally see your child's face and you eat it, dream it, and sleep it. I cannot fathom the depth of loss these families have felt over losing the precious child referred to them after waiting so long to receive her. The only words of comfort I can even muster for these families is that for such a short precious time this child was placed into your heart and will always be a part of your life and for some reason God allowed you to know this child. God will heal your heart and will allow room for the very precious child that is still waiting for you. I don't know what else to say.

My two very dear friends that are waiting on travel approvals and to file i-600s: In the same token, God is planning every step of the journey and I pray peace and a heart full of strength and hope. He is a caring and loving God and He know what is best for us and although we often feel cheated or forgotten about, He is as close as the mention of His name and He wants us to cry out to Him for mercy and graciousness. You are never, ever away from my thoughts and these precious boys will be home soon.

I had someone ask me today how could we wait so long? My answer: It is not easy. I see families coming together all over the blogs and wonder why in the world is it not our turn already. I pray for the eight Children's Hope families that are ahead of us on the list, only one family do I know personally by name, that God would send us an overflowing of referrals so that we can be united with our children and finally see the faces of these babies we have been waiting so long for. My only refuge is that He is in control of EVERYTHING and He absolutely makes no mistakes, whatsoever. Even though I have my plan, He is placing each step for our feet to trod on. I praise Him when all is as it should be, and I praise Him when the road is dark. But He is there every single minute waiting for me to call out His name and ask for His guidance. He is a loving God and He takes care of His children. I know that wherever Kaylee is, she is being loved and cared for by wonderful nannies and that God is watching over her until the day we are to meet.

Thank you, Lord, for loving us so unconditionally even when we doubt Your ways. You only ask us to be faithful. Please forgive us when we get frustated when we feel like things are not going the way we think they should. We love you, Lord, and we know that you are preparing us for the most amazing gift ever. Please continue to grant us strength and perserverence to wait for our daughter. You are our light, we put our trust in You. Thank you for loving us. Amen