Pressing On

The time may be delayed, the manner may be unexpected, but the answer is sure to come. Not a tear of sacred sorrow, not a breath of holy desire poured out to God will ever be lost; but in God's own time and way will be wafted back again in clouds of mercy, and fall in showers of blessings upon you and those for whom you pray. ~ Henry Coyle

Wow, what to say. Most of us in this Vietnam world are sorting out feelings, emotions, tears, doubt, hope, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, headaches, insomnia, tears, helplessness, faith, trust, grace, tears, heart break, heartache, numbness, uncertainty and fear. I don't remember exactly where I found this quote but it has brought me comfort. Our tears and prayers poured out to God will NEVER be lost, rather in His mercy and timing showers of blessings will fall upon us. I know some of you are probably tired of me trying to be so positive when things look so bleak, but if we dwell on doubt and not on future promise then we might find ourselves in such an emotional state that we won't be able to bear it. So much of who we are are these babies that have grown into our hearts, our everyday lives and in our minds. We have made the plans, secured the dreams, and reached for the stars for the sake of our children we long to have in our homes.
My best advice for my beloved PAP friends is, that if Vietnam is your only option for adoption, then stick it out, at least until Sept until we find out what is going to happen. Then, decide to wait out the delay, or search for new possiblities. I have had so many people ask me why we don't change to a boy or accept special needs. Here is my answer, the beauty of international adoption was to have the option to choose gender. We are also older and we may only be able to do this one time, so thus we both prayed about it and decided we really wanted a daughter. I am not saying that we would not want a son, all I am saying is that it is a personal choice for us and we are going to go with it.I have always dreamed of a daughter- tea parties, tutus, ruffles, bows, pedicures, girl movies, slumber parties, and mommy daughter moments. I know if we had been able to have biological children, we would have been happy with either gender and obviously we would not have been able to choose, but when you are faced with the option, you really consider what your desires are. And if this adoption had happened in a quicker manner, we would have probably pursued adopting a boy, and I am not saying that we won't if time and money permit it. We are not young like alot of the PAPs that I have met, so when faced with a choice, we went with what our heart desired. After all, this was supposed to be a solid and fool proof way to grow our family. I mean we had signed up with the program only mere months after it opened and never in our wildest dreams would we be faced with a longer wait then what we had already anticipated. But, here we wait, like many others whose choices are limited. As far as special needs goes, I know that if your birth child is born with a need you handle it unconditionally, but when it comes to adoption, I believe God pricks the hearts of those who know going in to adoption that they would be open to handling special needs. I don't feel like at this point in our journey that we should change to special needs simply to get a referral, because God did not lay that desire on our hearts when we started this process. I absolutely commend all families that take on a special needs child, I think it is awesome. And I know that there are no guarantees in adoption, that with little limited medical information Kaylee could still end up with a special need, but that would be what God would allow us to endure. Just like every thing else on this journey. You should never criticize a family for making a choice to not accept special needs. This is a very personal, soul searching , heart wrenching decision. It is just simply not for us.

To all my beloved PAPs who may have other country options, decide what your heart can handle and ask for God's guidance in this journey. It is not giving up on your child to turn down a different road and find then in another country. Maybe God pricked your heart with adoption, and Vietnam was the best one at the time, but now, there may be another country where your dream may come true. Or stay the course and press on to your child in Vietnam. We will all know soon enough where we stand and what decisions have to be made for the well being of our own families.
And Pray- I have never prayed for anything so hard in my entire life. This week I have been praying to get Kaylee's referral by Sept 1, but my heart has changed my prayer to allow all the dossier families to recieve referrals, that Vietnam will proceed with what has been told to the agencies for six months, to get dossiers in country so that all families logged in may receive a referral. For this would be a tremendous blessing.This is a topic that alot of agencies will be discussing with Vietnam officials when they have a meeting in the next couple of weeks. There is absolutely no way anyone could survive an adoption without believing in prayer and God's goodness. Our journeys make us strong, our valleys build our faith, and our faith allows us to see the glory and goodness of God in everything.
My heart goes out to all the families who are home with their children, that they would find peace that their child was a true orphan and know that God brought them together. These families are beautiful and fit perfectly together. These families give me hope of a future with Kaylee. I visit so many blogs to find these beautiful children smiling and full of life, bringing joy to their mommies and daddies and hope for their future. One day I hope to share Kaylee with all of you. She will be my moon and stars, the air I breathe and light of day. She will be the most beautiful gift in the world. I will love her with all my heart and never take a day for granted with her. She will be God-given and precious and will be my dream come true.
I know it is hard to be in such an uncertain circumstance, believe me, I really know. You search for answers in your head to find that they are not there. Then you are back to trust and faith.

A very dear friend shared this quote with me:
When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you, He is merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this and embed it in your mind and heart, because God does not abandon His children, He loves us and He is just making us stronger on this journey. His will will never take us where His grace cannot protect us.